I am headed to the hospital this morning for a hysterectomy. I'll be in the hospital for a day or two and then home on bed rest for a few weeks. I'll be completely doped up on pain medicine so it's probably best if I don't blog during this time. Who knows what I would say while under the influence!!!! I might be more honest than I should be...ha ha ha!
Please pray for me and my family during this time. Also, read through the comments on my past blogs and communicate with one another. We need each other and the encouragement that only a fellow church planter's wife can give.
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Depression and the Church Planter's Wife
My struggle with clinical depression began around puberty. It went undiagnosed until 1992 when I was 20. Since then, I've been on a variety of anti-depressants and have seen many counselors. Even though my depression is under control, it's still a battle that I fight on a regular basis.
In his book, Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer talks about his journey with clinical depression. I love his openness and honesty about his "endless months in the snake pit of the soul." According to Palmer, "Depression comes in many forms. Some are primarily genetic or biochemical and will respond only to drugs; some are primarily situational and will respond only to inner work that leads to self-knowledge, choices, and change; some lie in between." Your depression looks different from mine. What I am experiencing may be similar to what you are experiencing, but never are they the same.
I've met many Christians who have suffered from, or are currently struggling with depression. Each story is different. Many are filled with shame and embarrassment. Many remain silent because of their faith; they feel that if they had enough faith God would heal them, as if faith was a major contributing factor. People tell them to stop being lazy or to suck it up. Even though our Christian subculture is much more open to the idea of depression than in the past, there is still a negative stigmatism surrounding it. According to Palmer, "Depression demands that we reject simplistic answers, both 'religious' and 'scientific,' and learn to embrace mystery, something our culture resists. Mystery surrounds every deep experience of the human heart: the deeper we go into the heart's darkness or its light, the closer we get to the ultimate mystery of God."
I tend to look at my depression as the "thorn in my flesh." I think of it as the enemy; something I must defeat. Since reading this book, Let Your Life Speak, my perspective has changed a little. Parker says, "After hours of careful listening, my therapist offered an image that helped me eventually reclaim my life. 'You seem to look upon depression as the hand of an enemy trying to crush you,' he said. 'Do you think you could see it instead as the hand of a friend, pressing you down to ground on which it is safe to stand?' Amid the assaults I was suffering, the suggestion that depression was my friend seemed impossibly romantic, even insulting. But something in me knew that down, down to the ground, was the direction of wholeness, thus allowing that image to begin its slow work of healing in me."
The reason I share all this is because I want you to know that you are not alone in your sadness. There are thousands of us out there; some are just more vocal than others. I want you to know that you can plant a church and have depression. You can be a part of a growing church and have depression. I know you can because I have done it. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's been easy. Planting a church is hard enough without adding depression on top of it. But I can attest to the fact that it can be done. After sharing my story of depression with a group of church planters' wives, a lady came up to me and told me that I had given her hope because she saw that I survived a church plant while enduring depression. I hope my story brings you hope as well.
If you are currently in the pit of depression, I want to urge you to get some help. You need to talk to someone about it. Talk to your doctor or see a counselor. Share your struggle with your husband and/or a close friend. Depression won't go away on its own. It's not something that can be ignored.
Walk alongside God on your journey. Invite Him into your pain. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." God wants to be an active participant in your struggle with depression.
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In his book, Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer talks about his journey with clinical depression. I love his openness and honesty about his "endless months in the snake pit of the soul." According to Palmer, "Depression comes in many forms. Some are primarily genetic or biochemical and will respond only to drugs; some are primarily situational and will respond only to inner work that leads to self-knowledge, choices, and change; some lie in between." Your depression looks different from mine. What I am experiencing may be similar to what you are experiencing, but never are they the same.
I've met many Christians who have suffered from, or are currently struggling with depression. Each story is different. Many are filled with shame and embarrassment. Many remain silent because of their faith; they feel that if they had enough faith God would heal them, as if faith was a major contributing factor. People tell them to stop being lazy or to suck it up. Even though our Christian subculture is much more open to the idea of depression than in the past, there is still a negative stigmatism surrounding it. According to Palmer, "Depression demands that we reject simplistic answers, both 'religious' and 'scientific,' and learn to embrace mystery, something our culture resists. Mystery surrounds every deep experience of the human heart: the deeper we go into the heart's darkness or its light, the closer we get to the ultimate mystery of God."
I tend to look at my depression as the "thorn in my flesh." I think of it as the enemy; something I must defeat. Since reading this book, Let Your Life Speak, my perspective has changed a little. Parker says, "After hours of careful listening, my therapist offered an image that helped me eventually reclaim my life. 'You seem to look upon depression as the hand of an enemy trying to crush you,' he said. 'Do you think you could see it instead as the hand of a friend, pressing you down to ground on which it is safe to stand?' Amid the assaults I was suffering, the suggestion that depression was my friend seemed impossibly romantic, even insulting. But something in me knew that down, down to the ground, was the direction of wholeness, thus allowing that image to begin its slow work of healing in me."
The reason I share all this is because I want you to know that you are not alone in your sadness. There are thousands of us out there; some are just more vocal than others. I want you to know that you can plant a church and have depression. You can be a part of a growing church and have depression. I know you can because I have done it. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's been easy. Planting a church is hard enough without adding depression on top of it. But I can attest to the fact that it can be done. After sharing my story of depression with a group of church planters' wives, a lady came up to me and told me that I had given her hope because she saw that I survived a church plant while enduring depression. I hope my story brings you hope as well.
If you are currently in the pit of depression, I want to urge you to get some help. You need to talk to someone about it. Talk to your doctor or see a counselor. Share your struggle with your husband and/or a close friend. Depression won't go away on its own. It's not something that can be ignored.
Walk alongside God on your journey. Invite Him into your pain. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." God wants to be an active participant in your struggle with depression.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You've got a friend...or do you?
As a church planters' wife I need some support. I need to be open and honest about my life, struggles, fears, etc. with people who I can trust and who understand me. A few years ago I started getting the Forefront staff wives together on a regular basis. Because I'm a goofball, I decided to name our group The Pastors' Wives Club, or P.W.C. for short! We get together to talk, pray, laugh and support each other. It is so good for me to meet with these girls and to be real with them.
When we started Forefront, there were only a few on staff. I was clueless, full of fear and doubt. I had a friend who lived in California who I emailed with on a regular basis. I was able to share my heart with her. She was so important in my life. She helped me, prayed for me and encouraged me.
Over the years, God has provided many amazing women to keep me sane on this journey in ministry. I don't know how I would have survived all these years without their support and guidance.
How about you? Do you have someone in your life who supports you unconditionally? Do you have someone praying for you? Do you have someone that you can be open and honest with, who can help you to process through the good and the bad of ministry?
Now I need you to know that my husband is, without a doubt, my best friend. He is so important to me and helps and supports me in countless ways. But, no matter how hard he tries, he can't be a girlfriend to me. There are things that he is incapable of saying or doing for me, simply because he is a man...what can I say, I need my sisters!
If you are a church planters' wife and you are lonely, start looking for someone that is trustworthy, who you can confide in. She may be part of your church (though you need to be careful with this one), another pastor's wife, someone in your town, or someone out of town. You don't have to dive right in; you can start small. Work on building the relationship and start sharing things little by little. Pray for God to provide that special person for you to confide in. And if you've been burned in the past, don't give up! Continue pursuing community, honesty and openness; it's really for your best interest.
If you want more information on this, check out these articles from Parsonage.org, a ministry of Focus on The Family:
http://www.parsonage.org/articles/married/A000000262.cfm
http://www.parsonage.org/articles/married/A000000266.cfm
- Featured on newchurches.com
When we started Forefront, there were only a few on staff. I was clueless, full of fear and doubt. I had a friend who lived in California who I emailed with on a regular basis. I was able to share my heart with her. She was so important in my life. She helped me, prayed for me and encouraged me.
Over the years, God has provided many amazing women to keep me sane on this journey in ministry. I don't know how I would have survived all these years without their support and guidance.
How about you? Do you have someone in your life who supports you unconditionally? Do you have someone praying for you? Do you have someone that you can be open and honest with, who can help you to process through the good and the bad of ministry?
Now I need you to know that my husband is, without a doubt, my best friend. He is so important to me and helps and supports me in countless ways. But, no matter how hard he tries, he can't be a girlfriend to me. There are things that he is incapable of saying or doing for me, simply because he is a man...what can I say, I need my sisters!
If you are a church planters' wife and you are lonely, start looking for someone that is trustworthy, who you can confide in. She may be part of your church (though you need to be careful with this one), another pastor's wife, someone in your town, or someone out of town. You don't have to dive right in; you can start small. Work on building the relationship and start sharing things little by little. Pray for God to provide that special person for you to confide in. And if you've been burned in the past, don't give up! Continue pursuing community, honesty and openness; it's really for your best interest.
If you want more information on this, check out these articles from Parsonage.org, a ministry of Focus on The Family:
http://www.parsonage.org/articles/married/A000000262.cfm
http://www.parsonage.org/articles/married/A000000266.cfm
- Featured on newchurches.com
Thursday, September 6, 2007
What are you going to DO?
I'm sitting at home and it's unusually quiet. For the first time both my kids are in full-day school. I'm all alone for 7 hours. Silence really is golden! Ha Ha!
Everyone keeps asking me, "What are you going to do with all your spare time now that the kids are both in school all day?" It's getting a little annoying. I think they forget that I am a church planter's wife. There's an endless selection of things for me to do!
When we first started Forefront, I worked full-time. My involvement at Forefront was active, but not consuming, because I wasn't available for 9 hours a day. I did what I could, volunteered in children's ministry, organized women's events, etc.
Once we had kids I decided to stay at home with them. The whole baby/toddler phase is a little overwhelming, so my involvement at church was minimal at first, but then it began to grow as my children grew.
Through every phase of my life, my involvement at Forefront looks a little different. Sometimes I am really involved, other times not so much. But, in each phase I try to stay close to God so I can listen to His direction. You see, if I do things at church without God's "permission", the result is usually very bad. I end up burnt-out and bitter.
So, what phase of life are you in? What do you feel like God wants you to do? How involved are you? Are you feeling burnt out and bitter? Or does your involvement satisfy you? Do you feel pressure to give more than you can handle?
I think it's really important that we ask ourselves these questions so that we can stay on track with God's will for our lives. God doesn't want you to be overwhelmed, stressed out, grumpy or bitter. He has amazing plans for you that include happiness, contentment, joy and peace (believe it or not!).
Now I do realize that there are seasons when we need to sacrifice and go above and beyond. Maybe your church is just starting or maybe right now it's just you and your husband. These seasons are to be expected, but I think we need to be careful to make sure they don't become permanent. Unfortunately, if we do we may lose our heart for serving.
So pray about it, talk to your husband, and try to prioritize your "to-do list" for God. And make sure that you are leaving some room for a little bit of joy and peace!!!!
"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free."(Ephesians 5:7-8)
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Everyone keeps asking me, "What are you going to do with all your spare time now that the kids are both in school all day?" It's getting a little annoying. I think they forget that I am a church planter's wife. There's an endless selection of things for me to do!
When we first started Forefront, I worked full-time. My involvement at Forefront was active, but not consuming, because I wasn't available for 9 hours a day. I did what I could, volunteered in children's ministry, organized women's events, etc.
Once we had kids I decided to stay at home with them. The whole baby/toddler phase is a little overwhelming, so my involvement at church was minimal at first, but then it began to grow as my children grew.
Through every phase of my life, my involvement at Forefront looks a little different. Sometimes I am really involved, other times not so much. But, in each phase I try to stay close to God so I can listen to His direction. You see, if I do things at church without God's "permission", the result is usually very bad. I end up burnt-out and bitter.
So, what phase of life are you in? What do you feel like God wants you to do? How involved are you? Are you feeling burnt out and bitter? Or does your involvement satisfy you? Do you feel pressure to give more than you can handle?
I think it's really important that we ask ourselves these questions so that we can stay on track with God's will for our lives. God doesn't want you to be overwhelmed, stressed out, grumpy or bitter. He has amazing plans for you that include happiness, contentment, joy and peace (believe it or not!).
Now I do realize that there are seasons when we need to sacrifice and go above and beyond. Maybe your church is just starting or maybe right now it's just you and your husband. These seasons are to be expected, but I think we need to be careful to make sure they don't become permanent. Unfortunately, if we do we may lose our heart for serving.
So pray about it, talk to your husband, and try to prioritize your "to-do list" for God. And make sure that you are leaving some room for a little bit of joy and peace!!!!
"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free."(Ephesians 5:7-8)
Featured on newchurches.com
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Open Mouth, Insert Foot!
Ok, have you ever experienced this... (BECAUSE I JUST DID THIS WEEK!)
You are in a group and overhear someone talking. What they say is interesting, so you repeat it to your husband. Unbeknownst to you, you have just opened up a huge can of worms. Your husband confronts the person about what you heard. They explain the situation, work it out, but you're left feeling like a fool. Yum, I love the taste of humble pie!
As church planters' wives, we are privy to a TON of information. Some of the information should be shared, but not always. Some things you hear should be kept to yourself. Your husband doesn't need to know everything that you know. We need to pray for wisdom in this area. It's so easy to tear people (especially our husbands) down with our words. It's so easy to create drama and strife by our words. It's so easy to gossip with our husbands and call it "sharing."
Unfortunately, this is a lot easier said than done. When you learn something it can be incredibly difficult to figure out if it is something that you should share with your husband or not. Does he need to know this information? Should I let him know, or keep it to myself? For example, you're at church and someone comments to you on your husband's sermon. Their comment is less than positive, but not terribly rude. Do you tell him? Or, a friend comments that someone who is a key volunteer in your church is unhappy and is thinking about leaving the church. Do you talk to your husband about it?
Some questions that we need to ask ourselves BEFORE we talk to our husbands are:
1. Is this something that will needlessly tear my husband down or is it something that can be used for good?
2. Is this something that he will find out later anyway? And, if so, is there someone else who should be the person to tell him?
3. If he never finds out, what might the consequences be?
4. Am I violating any confidences by sharing this with my husband?
5. Would a better option be to go directly to the person and encourage THEM to talk to my husband?
I guess what I'm learning is to speak to God before I speak to anyone else. I'm learning to examine my motives, and to strive to be someone who makes things better rather than a person who creates a mess.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)
Featured on newchurches.com
You are in a group and overhear someone talking. What they say is interesting, so you repeat it to your husband. Unbeknownst to you, you have just opened up a huge can of worms. Your husband confronts the person about what you heard. They explain the situation, work it out, but you're left feeling like a fool. Yum, I love the taste of humble pie!
As church planters' wives, we are privy to a TON of information. Some of the information should be shared, but not always. Some things you hear should be kept to yourself. Your husband doesn't need to know everything that you know. We need to pray for wisdom in this area. It's so easy to tear people (especially our husbands) down with our words. It's so easy to create drama and strife by our words. It's so easy to gossip with our husbands and call it "sharing."
Unfortunately, this is a lot easier said than done. When you learn something it can be incredibly difficult to figure out if it is something that you should share with your husband or not. Does he need to know this information? Should I let him know, or keep it to myself? For example, you're at church and someone comments to you on your husband's sermon. Their comment is less than positive, but not terribly rude. Do you tell him? Or, a friend comments that someone who is a key volunteer in your church is unhappy and is thinking about leaving the church. Do you talk to your husband about it?
Some questions that we need to ask ourselves BEFORE we talk to our husbands are:
1. Is this something that will needlessly tear my husband down or is it something that can be used for good?
2. Is this something that he will find out later anyway? And, if so, is there someone else who should be the person to tell him?
3. If he never finds out, what might the consequences be?
4. Am I violating any confidences by sharing this with my husband?
5. Would a better option be to go directly to the person and encourage THEM to talk to my husband?
I guess what I'm learning is to speak to God before I speak to anyone else. I'm learning to examine my motives, and to strive to be someone who makes things better rather than a person who creates a mess.
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)
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