Session on Marriage, Part 3

Have you ever thought, “I don’t like my husband?” Sure you have. But have you ever told him that you don’t like him?

It was very dark and we were lying in bed. Years of bitterness, resentment, and disappointment had crept into our marriage. My heart was numb, our marriage was cold, and we were miserable. “Vince?...I don’t like you.” We had hit rock bottom. I’m completely non-confrontational. I’m also a people pleaser, so for me to say those four little words to Vince was incredibly difficult, which is why I did it in the dark. For him to hear those four little words was devastating. We had a choice. Stay married or quit? I think we both really wanted to quit. But we refused to go along with our feelings. Instead, we got drastic.

Vince started a year-long journey which included counseling, joining a gay support group (No, he’s not gay…the group helped him to deal with the pain of his childhood and his relational brokenness). We sought counseling together. I got counseling alone. I continually prayed this prayer from Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I got accountability with a close friend in ministry for my contributions to the problems. We started making our marriage a priority. We spent time alone without the kids. Our counselor suggested that we spend 30 minutes a night, with no distractions, talking and praying together. It was the best advice we’ve ever gotten. Those four little words changed the course of our marriage.

What needs to happen in your marriage to get to a place of wholeness? What steps do you need to take to improve the quality of your relationship?

Deal with your feelings as they come. Don’t hold onto them. Communicate. Use “feel…about…because statements” as they come up. For instance, “I feel hurt about the amount of time you are spending away from the family because it makes me feel like we are less important to you than the people in the church.”

From someone who’s been there; who’s seen the darkness and the light, take whatever steps you can to improve your marriage. Put your pride aside and get help. Talk to another pastor’s wife or close friend. There are resources out there for us; actively seek help. Get marriage counseling. Be vulnerable and honest about your feelings and your brokenness.

God got us through the darkest part of our marriage. I think one of the reasons we survived was because our foundation was God. We were balancing on Him alone.

Featured on newchurches.com