Session on Marriage, Part 5

The next area I want to look at is boundaries. How do we maintain healthy boundaries in our marriages?

First, along the same lines, there needs to be boundaries with the opposite sex. Vince has a rule that he will never be alone with a woman. He won’t drive with a woman, he won’t meet with a woman in a private place, he won’t even really look a woman in the eyes!!! Is this a hard rule to follow? Yes. What if a woman in the church needs counsel from him? He meets with her in his office, with the door open, while his assistant sits outside the door. What if a woman needs to drop something off at my house and I’m not home? They leave it at the door; there’s no way they’re getting in the house!

I also keep boundaries. I’m not alone with other men. I don’t spend much time around men; most of my ministry happens with women. I have accountability with a close friend in ministry. Do you think we are taking this a little bit overboard? Are we being too drastic? Well, this is one area where I’d rather be safe than sorry. It’s worth the sacrifice for our marriage.

Second, there needs to be boundaries around your personal time with your husband. Do you know that you don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings? Do you know that every “emergency” may not be an actual “emergency”? Like I said before, you have to carve out time alone with your husband. And when you do you need to talk about things other than your church or the people in your church. I love what Kim McManus says, “Satan desires to steal, kill and destroy the love that we have. We have to keep that protected. The intruders became the church. Our conversations before sleep would flow in one direction, “What was so and so doing and saying or being?” One night I yelled, “Will everyone from the church get out of our bed!”

Third, we need to make sure that we are on different emotional journeys. We need to put a boundary around our emotions. Vince doesn’t share everything with me. If something really big happens, he’ll tell me. But unless I need to know it, I don’t. He doesn’t come home everyday and tell me whose upset with him, or what stupid thing one of his staff members did that day. Church planting is a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs. It’s so helpful if we’re both not riding the same ride. Sometimes we need help to see from a different perspective. The distance and boundaries that we have set up emotionally have saved us a lot of stress. I’m so thankful that we do this.

If I knew everything that went on during Vince’s day, my blood pressure would fly through the roof. My Momma Bear Claws would come out and I’d be ready to fight. Keep distance between the happenings of the church and yourself. Now I know that some of you have to work at the church. Do your best. Keep distance at the office. Try to stay away from the roller coaster ride that your husband is riding. I’m involved. I have ministry areas where I serve. But, they are far enough away from Vince that I don’t feel the ups and downs.

And finally, the fourth boundary that we need to maintain is the boundary around you as a person. I’m talking about the “What will people think of you because you’re the lead pastor’s wife” syndrome. Vince has never put any expectations on me beyond what he’d have for other mature Christians. I don’t do things because “I have to.” I do them because I want to. It’s very difficult at times, but I try not to allow other people’s opinions to weigh on me.

God has created me uniquely. I have certain gifts and abilities that he has called me to use for his kingdom. Just because I’m a church planting wife doesn’t mean that I have to sing or start a quilting team. I am faithful to God in what I do; I check with God before I sign-on to a ministry, I see needs and pray about my involvement. I know that some of you feel an enormous sense of pressure to do this or that. Who is putting the pressure on you? Is it the Holy Spirit prompting you to serve? Is it your husband? A volunteer? Another staff member? Or is it you? Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy. We put all this pressure on ourselves and end up miserable. Take an inventory of your ministries. Make sure that it lines up with God’s plan for you.

When I was pregnant with both my kids I was extremely sick. Like throw up my own saliva every five minutes, hospital, PIC-line through the heart to feed me kind of sick. It was horrible. I checked out of Forefront. For 16 weeks each time I disappeared. And guess what happened to the church? Nothing…it continued as it was. My ministry areas got covered. God provided. And all was well. I think we lose sight of the fact that this is God’s church. I am just a tool for him to use. Everything I do can be done by someone else.

Yes, it’s wonderful and vital that we serve. I’m not telling you to check out of ministry in your church. This is not a get-out-of-serving-free-card, but it’s even better when we can serve in a place that brings us life; where you and God are on a roll, using your gifts for His glory.

Does being a church planting wife require sacrifice? Yes. For years I volunteered in children’s ministry, missing the adult service. Does being a church planting wife require your blood, sweat and tears? Yes. But do we have to do it at the cost of our joy, peace and relationship with God? No.

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