We need to be our husband’s number one cheerleader. No one else’s opinion matters more to them than yours. It might not seem like it, but it’s true. Vince can receive 100 compliments a day but they all pale in comparison to the one compliment I give him. In the same way, he can be criticized 100 times a day, but it’s my criticism that will tear him apart. Proverbs 12:25 says, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” We’ve got to be wise with our words. We’ve got to speak the truth in love. No matter what is going on in your church, no matter how dumb your husband is acting, you’ve got to be on his side. That doesn’t mean that you act like a robot or a yes-woman. It means that you’re honest, but you do so in love. Gentleness goes a long way.
We have a choice. We can be honest and full of grace. Or we can be honest and full of negativity. One way builds him up. The other tears him down. Some of you are thinking, “You don’t understand my husband. He is an idiot. If I don’t tell him, no one else will. He’s got to learn!” That might all be true, and you might be part of the solution, but it’s got to come from a heart of love, not criticism. You need to talk to God. This is one of the many reasons why we need time with God every day. We play a vital role in the health of our husbands, which spills over to the health of the church.
Another reason why we need to be the head cheerleader is because we don’t want anyone else filling the position, especially another woman. Can you say, “Hagar!” Your husband is stressed out. He’s pulled in a hundred different directions. One of the things that will keep him going is positive reinforcement. Make sure that the bulk of the positive reinforcement is coming from you and not another woman. Again, I’m not talking about being a Stepford wife, where you robotically encourage him. It’s got to be encouragement that comes from the heart.
I want to take a minute to veer off course and talk about something very sensitive.
Unfortunately, in a room this size I’m pretty sure that some of your husbands have been unfaithful to you. I am so sorry. My prayer is that you can rebuild trust and wholeness in your marriage. I can’t imagine the journey you are on and the pain you are going through. Please run to God. He’s big enough to handle all your pain. Ministry is tough. It’s so easy to find yourself distant from God and forget the reason why you are planting a church. If we’re not careful, what starts as a burning desire and passion, quickly turns into just another boring and stressful job. If trust has been betrayed (in any form) in your marriage, my prayer is that you will find wholeness and healing and peace in God alone. I pray that God meets you exactly where you are and heals your hurts and takes away your fears. Please get help! Get Godly counsel and surround yourself with people that can build you up and speak the word of God to you.
Unfortunately, it’s not just our husbands that are the problem. Some of us have been unfaithful to our husbands. Some of us are thinking about it right now. Some of us are married to someone else in our minds. Our husbands are distracted. Our emotional needs aren’t being met, so we look elsewhere. To be honest, this is an area that’s difficult for me. It’s been a struggle for me for years to stay pure in my mind and not to use my mind as a form of escape from my reality. We often fool ourselves into thinking that it’s ok, “There’s no harm…It’s just in my mind…I would never actually do anything!” Let me give you a fresh perspective on an old verse, “You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a man lustfully has already committed adultery with him in her heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28).
We’ve got to stop allowing Satan to run rampant in our minds. It doesn’t matter how your husband treats you. It doesn’t matter how miserable you are. We’ve got to stop sinning. We’ve got a choice; we’re not helpless victims of our circumstances. Get help, seek Godly counsel, ask for some accountability, pray, fast, weep and mourn. We need God. We need freedom.
Featured on newchurches.com
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 3
Have you ever thought, “I don’t like my husband?” Sure you have. But have you ever told him that you don’t like him?
It was very dark and we were lying in bed. Years of bitterness, resentment, and disappointment had crept into our marriage. My heart was numb, our marriage was cold, and we were miserable. “Vince?...I don’t like you.” We had hit rock bottom. I’m completely non-confrontational. I’m also a people pleaser, so for me to say those four little words to Vince was incredibly difficult, which is why I did it in the dark. For him to hear those four little words was devastating. We had a choice. Stay married or quit? I think we both really wanted to quit. But we refused to go along with our feelings. Instead, we got drastic.
Vince started a year-long journey which included counseling, joining a gay support group (No, he’s not gay…the group helped him to deal with the pain of his childhood and his relational brokenness). We sought counseling together. I got counseling alone. I continually prayed this prayer from Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I got accountability with a close friend in ministry for my contributions to the problems. We started making our marriage a priority. We spent time alone without the kids. Our counselor suggested that we spend 30 minutes a night, with no distractions, talking and praying together. It was the best advice we’ve ever gotten. Those four little words changed the course of our marriage.
What needs to happen in your marriage to get to a place of wholeness? What steps do you need to take to improve the quality of your relationship?
Deal with your feelings as they come. Don’t hold onto them. Communicate. Use “feel…about…because statements” as they come up. For instance, “I feel hurt about the amount of time you are spending away from the family because it makes me feel like we are less important to you than the people in the church.”
From someone who’s been there; who’s seen the darkness and the light, take whatever steps you can to improve your marriage. Put your pride aside and get help. Talk to another pastor’s wife or close friend. There are resources out there for us; actively seek help. Get marriage counseling. Be vulnerable and honest about your feelings and your brokenness.
God got us through the darkest part of our marriage. I think one of the reasons we survived was because our foundation was God. We were balancing on Him alone.
Featured on newchurches.com
It was very dark and we were lying in bed. Years of bitterness, resentment, and disappointment had crept into our marriage. My heart was numb, our marriage was cold, and we were miserable. “Vince?...I don’t like you.” We had hit rock bottom. I’m completely non-confrontational. I’m also a people pleaser, so for me to say those four little words to Vince was incredibly difficult, which is why I did it in the dark. For him to hear those four little words was devastating. We had a choice. Stay married or quit? I think we both really wanted to quit. But we refused to go along with our feelings. Instead, we got drastic.
Vince started a year-long journey which included counseling, joining a gay support group (No, he’s not gay…the group helped him to deal with the pain of his childhood and his relational brokenness). We sought counseling together. I got counseling alone. I continually prayed this prayer from Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” I got accountability with a close friend in ministry for my contributions to the problems. We started making our marriage a priority. We spent time alone without the kids. Our counselor suggested that we spend 30 minutes a night, with no distractions, talking and praying together. It was the best advice we’ve ever gotten. Those four little words changed the course of our marriage.
What needs to happen in your marriage to get to a place of wholeness? What steps do you need to take to improve the quality of your relationship?
Deal with your feelings as they come. Don’t hold onto them. Communicate. Use “feel…about…because statements” as they come up. For instance, “I feel hurt about the amount of time you are spending away from the family because it makes me feel like we are less important to you than the people in the church.”
From someone who’s been there; who’s seen the darkness and the light, take whatever steps you can to improve your marriage. Put your pride aside and get help. Talk to another pastor’s wife or close friend. There are resources out there for us; actively seek help. Get marriage counseling. Be vulnerable and honest about your feelings and your brokenness.
God got us through the darkest part of our marriage. I think one of the reasons we survived was because our foundation was God. We were balancing on Him alone.
Featured on newchurches.com
Monday, April 28, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 2
I used a visual aid during my session to illustrate that we need to be balancing on God alone...
The only way that you will survive and thrive in your church plant with your marriage and family in tact is if you are balancing on God. He has to be your platform. No matter how fast you get spun around, no matter how out of control your life gets, you have to be resting on Him.
This might sound trite or what you’d expect to hear, but it’s true. It seems like common sense, but I’ve found that it’s really not so common. So many people, including church planting families do not keep God at the center. Even though we know it’s what we should do, we fail miserably. My greatest prayer is that if you get nothing else out of our time together, you will remember that you need God at the center of your life; especially if you’re involved in church planting.
Vince and I have been married for almost 14 years. I would love to tell you that our love is like a fairy tale, but that would be a lie. Marriage has been difficult for us. We both entered this marriage with lots of baggage and brokenness. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. Vince was a victim of verbal and sometimes physical abuse by his father. We each have our share of issues.
When we moved to Virginia Beach to start Forefront we had only been married for about 3 years. The stress and pressure of starting a church is so overwhelming. There are thousands of things to do before your launch date. Unfortunately, unless we’re careful, our marriages will get pushed to the side. As church planting couples we’re busy and stressed out. The trouble usually starts with little arguments, where we bicker over stupid things. Then the bickering grows and festers and soon it’s like WWIII has begun. Resentment builds and we feel like we’re dying inside. We feel alone and sad. I’m happy to tell you that it doesn’t have to be like this. We can have healthy marriages and relationships with our families while going through church plant.
I want to share you with a bunch of things I’ve learned about maintaining a healthy marriage in the middle of a church plant. Some of these came naturally to us, others we learned the hard way.
1. When Vince and I were first married we struggled, just like everyone else. The “two becoming one” idea was difficult for us to put into practice. One thing that was relatively easy for us, though, was spending time together. We have a lot of the same interests and so it’s easy for us to find things to do. People used to tell us to have a date night every week. We’d laugh and say, “We have a date life!” Our little date life worked out great until we had kids. And then it became a date-never-life. My son, Dawson, came out of the womb with separation anxiety. Leaving him was not fun for anyone. What we should have said was, “Our marriage is worth a miserable 2 hours for Dawson and the babysitter.” But instead, we chose not to go out. It was easier. Just because something is easy doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing to do. Our marriage suffered, resentment built and we were miserable.
How’s your marriage? Are you spending time alone? Are you going out by yourselves? Maybe it’s not kids that are in the way of your marriage. Maybe it’s your church plant. There are countless things to do and countless people to meet with. “Why not invite Jim and Barb to come to dinner with us? I think they’re going to commit to being on our launch team.” Time with people is necessary and important. But time alone with your husband is also necessary and important. Maybe even “More Important?”
Featured on newchurches.com
The only way that you will survive and thrive in your church plant with your marriage and family in tact is if you are balancing on God. He has to be your platform. No matter how fast you get spun around, no matter how out of control your life gets, you have to be resting on Him.
This might sound trite or what you’d expect to hear, but it’s true. It seems like common sense, but I’ve found that it’s really not so common. So many people, including church planting families do not keep God at the center. Even though we know it’s what we should do, we fail miserably. My greatest prayer is that if you get nothing else out of our time together, you will remember that you need God at the center of your life; especially if you’re involved in church planting.
Vince and I have been married for almost 14 years. I would love to tell you that our love is like a fairy tale, but that would be a lie. Marriage has been difficult for us. We both entered this marriage with lots of baggage and brokenness. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. Vince was a victim of verbal and sometimes physical abuse by his father. We each have our share of issues.
When we moved to Virginia Beach to start Forefront we had only been married for about 3 years. The stress and pressure of starting a church is so overwhelming. There are thousands of things to do before your launch date. Unfortunately, unless we’re careful, our marriages will get pushed to the side. As church planting couples we’re busy and stressed out. The trouble usually starts with little arguments, where we bicker over stupid things. Then the bickering grows and festers and soon it’s like WWIII has begun. Resentment builds and we feel like we’re dying inside. We feel alone and sad. I’m happy to tell you that it doesn’t have to be like this. We can have healthy marriages and relationships with our families while going through church plant.
I want to share you with a bunch of things I’ve learned about maintaining a healthy marriage in the middle of a church plant. Some of these came naturally to us, others we learned the hard way.
1. When Vince and I were first married we struggled, just like everyone else. The “two becoming one” idea was difficult for us to put into practice. One thing that was relatively easy for us, though, was spending time together. We have a lot of the same interests and so it’s easy for us to find things to do. People used to tell us to have a date night every week. We’d laugh and say, “We have a date life!” Our little date life worked out great until we had kids. And then it became a date-never-life. My son, Dawson, came out of the womb with separation anxiety. Leaving him was not fun for anyone. What we should have said was, “Our marriage is worth a miserable 2 hours for Dawson and the babysitter.” But instead, we chose not to go out. It was easier. Just because something is easy doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing to do. Our marriage suffered, resentment built and we were miserable.
How’s your marriage? Are you spending time alone? Are you going out by yourselves? Maybe it’s not kids that are in the way of your marriage. Maybe it’s your church plant. There are countless things to do and countless people to meet with. “Why not invite Jim and Barb to come to dinner with us? I think they’re going to commit to being on our launch team.” Time with people is necessary and important. But time alone with your husband is also necessary and important. Maybe even “More Important?”
Featured on newchurches.com
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 1
As I mentioned yesterday, I'm going to give you the notes from my session at the National New Church Conference. I had the topic of marriage and parenting for the church planting family.
I’ve been asked to speak to you about the DNA of the church planting family. How do we have a healthy marriage in the middle of the church planting chaos? How do we raise kids that love God and love people? As if marriage and parenting weren’t hard enough, you add a church plant to the equation and who knows what will happen! Sounds like a recipe for stress and chaos to me!
Let me start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I was born in Buffalo, NY. My mom is Catholic and my dad is an Atheist. When my parents got married they decided that the kids would be raised in the Catholic Church. It was there that I learned about God and Jesus, but I never learned what it meant to live in a relationship with Him.
I attended church weekly, but was clueless and pretty uninterested. I viewed Christians as weird and un-relatable. That is until I met Vince in 1992. We worked together in a movie theater. It was love at polyesters first sight. We started out as friends and he explained to me what being a Christian was about. He showed me evidence and taught me how to read the Bible. His joy and positive outlook on life were irresistible to me. Several months later I gave my life to Christ.
When we first started dating Vince was on his way to law school in Illinois. I thought, “This is cool! I’ll be marrying a lawyer, we’ll have lots of money, and life will be awesome!” God had other things in mind. After one year of law school Vince felt God calling him into ministry. I thought, “This is unbelievably un-cool. I’m going to have to learn how to knit and play the piano. We’re going to be dirt poor and life will suck!” Boy, was I wrong.
We moved to Louisville, KY where Vince did a year-long internship at Southeast Christian Church. After that we moved to Northern Virginia for 2 years where Vince was on staff at New Life Christian Church. After that we moved to Virginia Beach, VA to start Forefront, a church for the un-churched. Forefront just celebrated its 10 year anniversary last month. Let me just say that I was completely unprepared for the church planting life. I’ve never been to Bible College. I didn’t grow up in a church where there was an example to follow (Catholic priests don’t really have much to offer in the Pastor’s wife department). I’ve never been trained or taught on the fundamentals of church planting. I’ve never even been to assessment for Pete’s sake. I was horrified. I had no idea what was in store for me. It’s been a crazy ride, but one that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Featured on newchurches.com
I’ve been asked to speak to you about the DNA of the church planting family. How do we have a healthy marriage in the middle of the church planting chaos? How do we raise kids that love God and love people? As if marriage and parenting weren’t hard enough, you add a church plant to the equation and who knows what will happen! Sounds like a recipe for stress and chaos to me!
Let me start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I was born in Buffalo, NY. My mom is Catholic and my dad is an Atheist. When my parents got married they decided that the kids would be raised in the Catholic Church. It was there that I learned about God and Jesus, but I never learned what it meant to live in a relationship with Him.
I attended church weekly, but was clueless and pretty uninterested. I viewed Christians as weird and un-relatable. That is until I met Vince in 1992. We worked together in a movie theater. It was love at polyesters first sight. We started out as friends and he explained to me what being a Christian was about. He showed me evidence and taught me how to read the Bible. His joy and positive outlook on life were irresistible to me. Several months later I gave my life to Christ.
When we first started dating Vince was on his way to law school in Illinois. I thought, “This is cool! I’ll be marrying a lawyer, we’ll have lots of money, and life will be awesome!” God had other things in mind. After one year of law school Vince felt God calling him into ministry. I thought, “This is unbelievably un-cool. I’m going to have to learn how to knit and play the piano. We’re going to be dirt poor and life will suck!” Boy, was I wrong.
We moved to Louisville, KY where Vince did a year-long internship at Southeast Christian Church. After that we moved to Northern Virginia for 2 years where Vince was on staff at New Life Christian Church. After that we moved to Virginia Beach, VA to start Forefront, a church for the un-churched. Forefront just celebrated its 10 year anniversary last month. Let me just say that I was completely unprepared for the church planting life. I’ve never been to Bible College. I didn’t grow up in a church where there was an example to follow (Catholic priests don’t really have much to offer in the Pastor’s wife department). I’ve never been trained or taught on the fundamentals of church planting. I’ve never even been to assessment for Pete’s sake. I was horrified. I had no idea what was in store for me. It’s been a crazy ride, but one that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Featured on newchurches.com
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Conference Debrief
The National New Church Conference was awesome. As I posted before, the Spouses Track was sold out. It was so amazing to get to share my heart with all the women there. Thank you so much for praying for me!
I've been replaying my session on marriage and parenting and I realized that there is so much that I either had to cut or forgot to say. So, I'm going to put it all in my blog. Starting tomorrow I'll have all my notes from my session (broken into several posts). Hope you enjoy!
Featured on newchurches.com
I've been replaying my session on marriage and parenting and I realized that there is so much that I either had to cut or forgot to say. So, I'm going to put it all in my blog. Starting tomorrow I'll have all my notes from my session (broken into several posts). Hope you enjoy!
Featured on newchurches.com
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I'm On My Way...
We are leaving for our trip tomorrow. I am so excited about our family time (we're bringing our kids and doing some fun vacation stuff) and about the Exponential Conference. I just heard that the Church Planting Spouses Track is sold out!!! How cool is that? If you read this blog and you are there, PLEASE come and talk to me. I would love to meet you!
If you aren't there, I will be sharing what I'm talking about with you in future blogs. The topic I'm speaking on is marriage and parenting for the church planting family.
Please pray for me. I'm speaking on Wednesday, April 23rd from 1:15-2:15pm. I'm praying for clarity to actually say what I have written down and for this to be an encouragement and support for the women who are there. I'm also part of a speakers' forum on Thursday morning from 9:15-10:15am. Thank you so much for your prayers!
Featured on newchurches.com
If you aren't there, I will be sharing what I'm talking about with you in future blogs. The topic I'm speaking on is marriage and parenting for the church planting family.
Please pray for me. I'm speaking on Wednesday, April 23rd from 1:15-2:15pm. I'm praying for clarity to actually say what I have written down and for this to be an encouragement and support for the women who are there. I'm also part of a speakers' forum on Thursday morning from 9:15-10:15am. Thank you so much for your prayers!
Featured on newchurches.com
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Typical!
I've been working my butt off for my session at the Exponential New Church Conference in two weeks. My best friend and I get together every Tuesday night. It's something I look forward to all week. This week I decided that I better not meet with her because I needed extra time to work on my session.
Do you think my plan worked? Of course not!
The first thing that happened was that my stupid dog jumped into the pool. It has a cover on it, but the cover is filled with water. My daughter came running upstairs to announce the mess. I was mad. Really mad. Do you know what it's like to bathe a Pomeranian? Can you say, "Hairy!!!" And the blow drying is enough to make me sweat through my clothes.
So, I got him clean and then realized that we had a toilet problem. The toilet problem required a full-bathroom cleaning. Then I figured, since I was cleaning one bathroom I should clean the other two (I know you'd do the same thing!). By this time, the kids needed showers. I hadn't spent time with God all day, so I snuck in a few minutes with Him. Then Vince came home from our Tuesday night bar service and we watched American Idol.
At the end of all that, I was too tired to work on my session...Typical!
The good news is that God completely cleared my schedule for Wednesday. What was supposed to be a jam-packed day, turned into an awesome day spent with Him and working on my session.
What I thought was a great plan didn't work out. How often do we focus on the bad things that happen and completely disregard the cool stuff that's happening around us? Church planting is such a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs. Set a goal this week of not letting the downs get you down. Try to see God working, even if it's in the midst of chaos.
Featured on newchurches.com
Do you think my plan worked? Of course not!
The first thing that happened was that my stupid dog jumped into the pool. It has a cover on it, but the cover is filled with water. My daughter came running upstairs to announce the mess. I was mad. Really mad. Do you know what it's like to bathe a Pomeranian? Can you say, "Hairy!!!" And the blow drying is enough to make me sweat through my clothes.
So, I got him clean and then realized that we had a toilet problem. The toilet problem required a full-bathroom cleaning. Then I figured, since I was cleaning one bathroom I should clean the other two (I know you'd do the same thing!). By this time, the kids needed showers. I hadn't spent time with God all day, so I snuck in a few minutes with Him. Then Vince came home from our Tuesday night bar service and we watched American Idol.
At the end of all that, I was too tired to work on my session...Typical!
The good news is that God completely cleared my schedule for Wednesday. What was supposed to be a jam-packed day, turned into an awesome day spent with Him and working on my session.
What I thought was a great plan didn't work out. How often do we focus on the bad things that happen and completely disregard the cool stuff that's happening around us? Church planting is such a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs. Set a goal this week of not letting the downs get you down. Try to see God working, even if it's in the midst of chaos.
Featured on newchurches.com
Friday, April 4, 2008
Back in the Day...Part Fifteen
OK, this has gone on entirely too long. 15 segments to a blog is a lot! This will be my last post in this series. Here are some important lessons I've learned along the way...
1. Worry less, pray more. Nag less, pray more.
2. God has your life under control. Remember that you are not God.
3. Maintaining a consistent relationship with God is vital on this journey. He's the only one who can keep you sane.
4. Make your marriage your top priority. Put the kids to bed early so you have time alone. Schedule time alone away from home. And when you're alone, talk about things other than the church.
5. Do whatever you need to do to have a healthy marriage (communication, expressing your true feelings, getting marriage counseling, etc.) Do whatever it takes for you and your husband to stay connected in every way.
6. Don't make your kids feel like they take second or third place (or fourth or fifth...) to the church. Put your family first. Actually live it out.
7. Schedule vacations and short getaways. Make sure that some of these are just with you and your spouse and that some are with just your immediate family.
8. Boundaries...boundaries...boundaries. In every area work on maintaining boundaries.
9. Laugh a lot! In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal.
10. Remember that this is God's church and everyone in it is His responsibility, not yours.
Featured on newchurches.com
1. Worry less, pray more. Nag less, pray more.
2. God has your life under control. Remember that you are not God.
3. Maintaining a consistent relationship with God is vital on this journey. He's the only one who can keep you sane.
4. Make your marriage your top priority. Put the kids to bed early so you have time alone. Schedule time alone away from home. And when you're alone, talk about things other than the church.
5. Do whatever you need to do to have a healthy marriage (communication, expressing your true feelings, getting marriage counseling, etc.) Do whatever it takes for you and your husband to stay connected in every way.
6. Don't make your kids feel like they take second or third place (or fourth or fifth...) to the church. Put your family first. Actually live it out.
7. Schedule vacations and short getaways. Make sure that some of these are just with you and your spouse and that some are with just your immediate family.
8. Boundaries...boundaries...boundaries. In every area work on maintaining boundaries.
9. Laugh a lot! In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal.
10. Remember that this is God's church and everyone in it is His responsibility, not yours.
Featured on newchurches.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
