Figure out some non-negotiable things that your family stands up for. For instance, Vince takes off every Friday and most of Saturday. People know this and we “make them” respect his time away from work.
As you probably know, meetings are one of the biggest reasons church planters are away from home after regular business hours; there are so many people to meet with. Vince committed, before we even started Forefront, to not having any meetings at night that would pull him away from us. Night time is family time for us. As difficult as it is at times, he has stuck to his commitment. He probably averages one night meeting a year. It takes sacrifice. He has a lot of 6:30am meetings. But we’ve decided that it’s worth it for our kids to have their Daddy put them to bed.
Some of you are thinking, “Must be nice! That’ll never happen for us.” How do you know? Have you ever talked about it with your husband? Have you asked him to consider cutting back on time away? Have you prayed about it? Your kids (and you) should see your husband and connect with him everyday.
In general, our husbands don’t have regular 9-5 jobs. We need to be wise with how we allocate our time. For you it might mean he stays at home until 11am and then is gone the rest of the day. Or maybe he comes home at 3pm and leaves at 7pm for the rest of the night. Be creative. Communicate. Figure out what will work best for your family. But if you’re miserable, do something.
I think one of our fears is that the church will fall apart if we are missing. We need to remember that these are God’s churches, not ours. Yes, we are important and vital to the church, but God’s got it under control. I don’t think part of his plan for a healthy church is you and your family being disconnected, bitter and full of resentments. You don’t have to work 24/7. God’s doing that for you.
Featured on newchurches.com
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Session on Parenting, Part 1
As I mentioned earlier, I spoke at the National New Church Conference in April. My topic was on marriage and parenting issues that the church planting family face. Here are my notes on parenting.
Let me start by saying that I am not a parenting expert. I bet the majority of you could run circles around me. I have two children. Dawson is 9 and Marissa is 6. Compared to my marriage, parenting has been a breeze. I realize that it’s very premature to be making such a statement; I know the teenage years are coming. And I’m already praying! Once again, just like in marriage, to make it through this parenting journey you’ve got to be balancing on God alone. Some of what I’m about to share comes straight from experience. Other information is stolen! I’m going to start kind of harsh, so get ready.
I think the church planting family is guilty of making the church an idol. We sacrifice way more than we should for the church, and in the end are filled with regrets. Yes, sacrifice is necessary. Yes, it’s hard to maintain a healthy family amidst the church plant. But, it’s vital. Your kids get one Dad and one Mom and God has chosen for it to be you. Let’s take our role seriously and with great prudence.
I wonder if you asked your kids what’s more important, them or the church, what their answer would be. You probably know the answer without even asking. How much time do you and your husband spend with your kids? Is your life a whirlwind of activity where your kids are put on the back burner? I’m not picking on you. I need to ask myself the same questions.
We have such a small time frame of influence with our kids. Pretty soon they’re on their own. So let’s talk about some ways to maintain good relationships with your kids in the middle of a church plant.
Featured on newchurches.com
Let me start by saying that I am not a parenting expert. I bet the majority of you could run circles around me. I have two children. Dawson is 9 and Marissa is 6. Compared to my marriage, parenting has been a breeze. I realize that it’s very premature to be making such a statement; I know the teenage years are coming. And I’m already praying! Once again, just like in marriage, to make it through this parenting journey you’ve got to be balancing on God alone. Some of what I’m about to share comes straight from experience. Other information is stolen! I’m going to start kind of harsh, so get ready.
I think the church planting family is guilty of making the church an idol. We sacrifice way more than we should for the church, and in the end are filled with regrets. Yes, sacrifice is necessary. Yes, it’s hard to maintain a healthy family amidst the church plant. But, it’s vital. Your kids get one Dad and one Mom and God has chosen for it to be you. Let’s take our role seriously and with great prudence.
I wonder if you asked your kids what’s more important, them or the church, what their answer would be. You probably know the answer without even asking. How much time do you and your husband spend with your kids? Is your life a whirlwind of activity where your kids are put on the back burner? I’m not picking on you. I need to ask myself the same questions.
We have such a small time frame of influence with our kids. Pretty soon they’re on their own. So let’s talk about some ways to maintain good relationships with your kids in the middle of a church plant.
Featured on newchurches.com
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Back from Whiteboard!
Whiteboard was awesome. The women's luncheon I spoke at was great. Thanks so much for praying for me!
I have family in town this weekend. Tomorrow I begin the huge job of painting my kitchen cabinets. We've got a gel group (we call our small groups 'gel groups') party at our house in the evening; another crazy day!
Beginning this week I'm going to finish posting my notes from the marriage/parenting seminar I did at the National New Church Conference in April. I held off on sharing the parenting section because I knew I was going to use an illustration from it at WiBo and I didn't want to spoil it for anyone. I hope you enjoy it; whether you are a parent or not!
Featured on newchurches.com
I have family in town this weekend. Tomorrow I begin the huge job of painting my kitchen cabinets. We've got a gel group (we call our small groups 'gel groups') party at our house in the evening; another crazy day!
Beginning this week I'm going to finish posting my notes from the marriage/parenting seminar I did at the National New Church Conference in April. I held off on sharing the parenting section because I knew I was going to use an illustration from it at WiBo and I didn't want to spoil it for anyone. I hope you enjoy it; whether you are a parent or not!
Featured on newchurches.com
Monday, May 19, 2008
A Good Kick in the Butt!
Truth be told I'm not doing so well. I've got a lot going on, I'm overwhelmed, depressed, etc. We all have times like this; times that we wish we could sleep through.
Today I got a good kick in the butt from God (through Beth Moore). I'm doing her latest study, Stepping Up. I studied Psalm 123 today. The beginning portion says, "I lift my eyes to You, the One enthroned in heaven. Like a servant's eyes on His master's hand, like a servant girl's eyes on her mistress's hand, so our eyes are on the Lord our God until He shows us favor." (verses 1,2)
She asked the question, "Where are we looking?" She goes on to say, "Right now in the challenge that surrounds me and all that busies me or injures me, where am I looking? Where are my attentions focused?...Where we look-where we genuinely fasten our gaze-amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel....I am convinced that one reason where we look has such an impact on how we feel is because where we look is also primarily where we listen."
Right now I'm focused on everything going on around me (my to-do list, my upcoming trip, my parents' visit, redoing my kitchen cabinets, preparing for my next women's breakfast at church and my depression). I'm looking to those things and listening to what they are telling me, "You're so busy. You can't get everything done. You should be depressed. You've got so much going on." And so I feel miserable (duh!!!)!
This morning I was babysitting my neighbors' two kids. The little boy said, "Why does Kuma (my dog) keep staring at me?" I said, "Because he is having a staring contest with you. Have you and Zoe ever had a staring contest?" Zoe said, "No, what's that?" So I taught them the rules of the staring contest, "You close your eyes and after I count to three and say GO! you open them and then you have to stare at the other person. You can't look away because the first person to look away loses." Of course Philip, the three year old, lost within seconds.
Everyday we need to have a staring contest with God. Everyday we need to close our eyes, count to three and open them. We need to stare at God and never look away. If I did that on a daily basis I bet I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
So take some time today, close your eyes, count to three and have a staring contest with God.
GO!
Featured on newchurches.com
Today I got a good kick in the butt from God (through Beth Moore). I'm doing her latest study, Stepping Up. I studied Psalm 123 today. The beginning portion says, "I lift my eyes to You, the One enthroned in heaven. Like a servant's eyes on His master's hand, like a servant girl's eyes on her mistress's hand, so our eyes are on the Lord our God until He shows us favor." (verses 1,2)
She asked the question, "Where are we looking?" She goes on to say, "Right now in the challenge that surrounds me and all that busies me or injures me, where am I looking? Where are my attentions focused?...Where we look-where we genuinely fasten our gaze-amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel....I am convinced that one reason where we look has such an impact on how we feel is because where we look is also primarily where we listen."
Right now I'm focused on everything going on around me (my to-do list, my upcoming trip, my parents' visit, redoing my kitchen cabinets, preparing for my next women's breakfast at church and my depression). I'm looking to those things and listening to what they are telling me, "You're so busy. You can't get everything done. You should be depressed. You've got so much going on." And so I feel miserable (duh!!!)!
This morning I was babysitting my neighbors' two kids. The little boy said, "Why does Kuma (my dog) keep staring at me?" I said, "Because he is having a staring contest with you. Have you and Zoe ever had a staring contest?" Zoe said, "No, what's that?" So I taught them the rules of the staring contest, "You close your eyes and after I count to three and say GO! you open them and then you have to stare at the other person. You can't look away because the first person to look away loses." Of course Philip, the three year old, lost within seconds.
Everyday we need to have a staring contest with God. Everyday we need to close our eyes, count to three and open them. We need to stare at God and never look away. If I did that on a daily basis I bet I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
So take some time today, close your eyes, count to three and have a staring contest with God.
GO!
Featured on newchurches.com
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
To Mow or Not to Mow...That is the Question
Vince is a busy guy. He works massive amounts of hours each week. I am also busy, but I get the privilege of being a stay-at-home Mom. My days are busy, my time is valuable and I try to make every hour count.
Ever since we moved into our house, we have been sharing "lawn responsibilities." We have a big yard and it takes a lot of time to keep it up. We decided that Vince would mow the lawn and I would fertilize and weed whack (or edge or trim or whatever terminology you like).
All has been good for the past 6 years. Our yard looks awesome and our duties are shared...fair and square.
This year I felt like God was telling me to do something that I didn't necessarily want to do. I felt like He was asking me to take over the lawn mowing. I thought, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long it takes me just to weed whack? If I add mowing it will take me about 2 1/2 hours. I don't have time for that. I must be hearing you wrong! Everything is fine the way it is. Surely Vince needs something to do at home...Unbelievable!"
Had I listened to myself I would not be mowing the lawn. But, I decided to listen to God and take over the job. It's hard. It kicks my butt. But I do it. And I try to do it with the attitude that I am serving God, my husband and my kids by doing this. Most times I do it with joy, but every so often I start thinking, "He doesn't even notice! Why am I doing this? I don't have time!"
I talked to a girl today who is sick and tired of being "in charge" of her family (daily responsibilities, house, budget, kids, etc. etc.). I can relate. She vented for a while and I told her that I totally understand because I am also, to a large degree, "in charge" of my family. She asked, "How do you do it?" I said, "On my own I would crash and burn. On my own I would grow bitter and resentful. But every day I ask God to help me and give me His attitude. And most days I allow Him to give me His attitude. In order for that to happen, though, I need to be connected to Him on a daily basis." The only way I can mow the lawn and consider it a joy is if I am connected to God.
I don't write all this to make you proud of me or to think I'm cool. I write all this to challenge you. How connected are you to God? How often are you listening to Him instead of to yourself? How often are you truly putting someone else before you? What is one thing that you could do to help free up some time for your husband; to give him a break? Ask God for direction. Don't be surprised if you end up in a place you don't want to be, doing something you don't want to do. So stay close to God and ask Him to give you His attitude. And then allow Him to!
Featured on newchurches.com
Ever since we moved into our house, we have been sharing "lawn responsibilities." We have a big yard and it takes a lot of time to keep it up. We decided that Vince would mow the lawn and I would fertilize and weed whack (or edge or trim or whatever terminology you like).
All has been good for the past 6 years. Our yard looks awesome and our duties are shared...fair and square.
This year I felt like God was telling me to do something that I didn't necessarily want to do. I felt like He was asking me to take over the lawn mowing. I thought, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long it takes me just to weed whack? If I add mowing it will take me about 2 1/2 hours. I don't have time for that. I must be hearing you wrong! Everything is fine the way it is. Surely Vince needs something to do at home...Unbelievable!"
Had I listened to myself I would not be mowing the lawn. But, I decided to listen to God and take over the job. It's hard. It kicks my butt. But I do it. And I try to do it with the attitude that I am serving God, my husband and my kids by doing this. Most times I do it with joy, but every so often I start thinking, "He doesn't even notice! Why am I doing this? I don't have time!"
I talked to a girl today who is sick and tired of being "in charge" of her family (daily responsibilities, house, budget, kids, etc. etc.). I can relate. She vented for a while and I told her that I totally understand because I am also, to a large degree, "in charge" of my family. She asked, "How do you do it?" I said, "On my own I would crash and burn. On my own I would grow bitter and resentful. But every day I ask God to help me and give me His attitude. And most days I allow Him to give me His attitude. In order for that to happen, though, I need to be connected to Him on a daily basis." The only way I can mow the lawn and consider it a joy is if I am connected to God.
I don't write all this to make you proud of me or to think I'm cool. I write all this to challenge you. How connected are you to God? How often are you listening to Him instead of to yourself? How often are you truly putting someone else before you? What is one thing that you could do to help free up some time for your husband; to give him a break? Ask God for direction. Don't be surprised if you end up in a place you don't want to be, doing something you don't want to do. So stay close to God and ask Him to give you His attitude. And then allow Him to!
Featured on newchurches.com
Monday, May 12, 2008
Facebook Group Just for You
I finally joined the 21st century and got a facebook account. My main reason is that Amy Colon has set up a Church Planting Wives Group. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out, but it looks cool. Check it out!
Featured on newchurches.com
Featured on newchurches.com
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I'm Off to New Jersey!
I'm headed to New Jersey tomorrow through Monday. My sister's son is receiving his first communion. I grew up Catholic and my family (other than my Dad, who is an Atheist) is still Catholic (some are more involved than others). I'm the only one that has left the church. When I left the Catholic church it was a HUGE deal. My family thought I was being brainwashed. They cried. They begged me not to get baptized (I actually snuck out of the house with a hairdryer hidden in my backpack).
It's taken years for my family to finally accept that I'm not brainwashed or part of a cult. When Vince and I started dating he was on his way to law school. Even though they were upset about the whole Christian-thing, they found some solace in knowing that I would be dating and potentially marrying a lawyer. After one year, he decided to go into ministry and went to Seminary. That was a real blow to everyone's expectations (especially to his Jewish mother).
Now I'm married to a pastor and have started a church. They are totally supportive and encouraging. It's amazing what a few years can do to change someone's opinion. Vince talks about how we have to "Show and Tell" (like in Kindergarten) people about our faith. It's something I've taken literally in my relationship with my family. I've been "showing" them for 15 years, and even get the chance to "tell" them occasionally.
Some of you come from Christian homes and that's awesome. But some of you don't. I guess my biggest advice to you is to live out your faith in plain view of everyone, especially your extended family. Even if they aren't in agreement and don't support you, you are still called to love them unconditionally. Don't give up hope (I know how difficult this is at times)! Years may pass and you may see no results, but they are watching. You have no idea how God is using you in their lives. Continue "showing and telling" them. And love them like crazy!
Featured on newchurches.com
It's taken years for my family to finally accept that I'm not brainwashed or part of a cult. When Vince and I started dating he was on his way to law school. Even though they were upset about the whole Christian-thing, they found some solace in knowing that I would be dating and potentially marrying a lawyer. After one year, he decided to go into ministry and went to Seminary. That was a real blow to everyone's expectations (especially to his Jewish mother).
Now I'm married to a pastor and have started a church. They are totally supportive and encouraging. It's amazing what a few years can do to change someone's opinion. Vince talks about how we have to "Show and Tell" (like in Kindergarten) people about our faith. It's something I've taken literally in my relationship with my family. I've been "showing" them for 15 years, and even get the chance to "tell" them occasionally.
Some of you come from Christian homes and that's awesome. But some of you don't. I guess my biggest advice to you is to live out your faith in plain view of everyone, especially your extended family. Even if they aren't in agreement and don't support you, you are still called to love them unconditionally. Don't give up hope (I know how difficult this is at times)! Years may pass and you may see no results, but they are watching. You have no idea how God is using you in their lives. Continue "showing and telling" them. And love them like crazy!
Featured on newchurches.com
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
An Awesome Book Written Just for You!
I just finished reading a great book written for church planting wives. It's called My Husband Wants to Be a Church Planter...So What Will That Make Me? It features planter's wives who share openly and honestly about their role, their struggles, and their victories. I highly recommend it!
Click here for more information.
Featured on newchurches.com
Click here for more information.
Featured on newchurches.com
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Resources on Marriage
Here are a list of resources on marriage. These are books that either Vince or I have read. They are great! Do whatever you need to do to get to a place of health and wholeness in your marriage.
Every Woman's Marriage, by Shannon Ethridge
Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Choosing to Cheat, by Andy Stanley
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Feldhahn
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage, by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn
Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs
Featured on newchurches.com
Every Woman's Marriage, by Shannon Ethridge
Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Choosing to Cheat, by Andy Stanley
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Feldhahn
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage, by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn
Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs
Featured on newchurches.com
Monday, May 5, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 7
Each of the participants at the conference got the following questions to reflect on with God. Get alone with God, spend some time in prayer, and answer these questions. I pray that they are a tool to bring health and change to your marriages.
What is your favorite thing about your husband?
What do you like best about your marriage?
If there was one thing you could change about your husband/marriage what would it be?
How much time do you spend alone with your husband on an average week?
Do you feel like the church plant takes precedence over your marriage?
What needs to happen in your marriage to improve the quality of your relationship?
Are you your husband’s number one cheerleader? If not, why not? What can you do to change this?
Do you keep healthy boundaries in your marriage?
What are you balancing on? Is it your husband, your church plant, God or something else? What practical steps can you take to change?
What do you like best about your marriage?
If there was one thing you could change about your husband/marriage what would it be?
How much time do you spend alone with your husband on an average week?
Do you feel like the church plant takes precedence over your marriage?
What needs to happen in your marriage to improve the quality of your relationship?
Are you your husband’s number one cheerleader? If not, why not? What can you do to change this?
Do you keep healthy boundaries in your marriage?
What are you balancing on? Is it your husband, your church plant, God or something else? What practical steps can you take to change?
Featured on newchurches.com
Friday, May 2, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 6
I’m just about done talking about marriage. Before we move on to parenting I want to go over one more thing. Be careful not to make your husband God. We do it all the time. We place these incredibly high expectations on them. And when they don’t perform, we’re disappointed.
Chances are good that if your husband is in the church planting business he is high energy, dynamic, a person that people want to follow. I have really struggled with this in my marriage. Vince is all of those things and more…he’s fantastic. And sometimes I focus a little too much on him. The sun rises and falls with him. If he thinks I’m great, then I think I’m great. If he thinks I suck, then I think I suck.
The Bible talks a lot about idol worship and its affect on people. Are you trying to get your needs met by your husband or by God? Are you worshipping the Creator of the universe, or the created? We’ve got to be careful. Remember, you need to be balancing on God alone…
Featured on newchurches.com
Chances are good that if your husband is in the church planting business he is high energy, dynamic, a person that people want to follow. I have really struggled with this in my marriage. Vince is all of those things and more…he’s fantastic. And sometimes I focus a little too much on him. The sun rises and falls with him. If he thinks I’m great, then I think I’m great. If he thinks I suck, then I think I suck.
The Bible talks a lot about idol worship and its affect on people. Are you trying to get your needs met by your husband or by God? Are you worshipping the Creator of the universe, or the created? We’ve got to be careful. Remember, you need to be balancing on God alone…
Featured on newchurches.com
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Session on Marriage, Part 5
The next area I want to look at is boundaries. How do we maintain healthy boundaries in our marriages?
First, along the same lines, there needs to be boundaries with the opposite sex. Vince has a rule that he will never be alone with a woman. He won’t drive with a woman, he won’t meet with a woman in a private place, he won’t even really look a woman in the eyes!!! Is this a hard rule to follow? Yes. What if a woman in the church needs counsel from him? He meets with her in his office, with the door open, while his assistant sits outside the door. What if a woman needs to drop something off at my house and I’m not home? They leave it at the door; there’s no way they’re getting in the house!
I also keep boundaries. I’m not alone with other men. I don’t spend much time around men; most of my ministry happens with women. I have accountability with a close friend in ministry. Do you think we are taking this a little bit overboard? Are we being too drastic? Well, this is one area where I’d rather be safe than sorry. It’s worth the sacrifice for our marriage.
Second, there needs to be boundaries around your personal time with your husband. Do you know that you don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings? Do you know that every “emergency” may not be an actual “emergency”? Like I said before, you have to carve out time alone with your husband. And when you do you need to talk about things other than your church or the people in your church. I love what Kim McManus says, “Satan desires to steal, kill and destroy the love that we have. We have to keep that protected. The intruders became the church. Our conversations before sleep would flow in one direction, “What was so and so doing and saying or being?” One night I yelled, “Will everyone from the church get out of our bed!”
Third, we need to make sure that we are on different emotional journeys. We need to put a boundary around our emotions. Vince doesn’t share everything with me. If something really big happens, he’ll tell me. But unless I need to know it, I don’t. He doesn’t come home everyday and tell me whose upset with him, or what stupid thing one of his staff members did that day. Church planting is a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs. It’s so helpful if we’re both not riding the same ride. Sometimes we need help to see from a different perspective. The distance and boundaries that we have set up emotionally have saved us a lot of stress. I’m so thankful that we do this.
If I knew everything that went on during Vince’s day, my blood pressure would fly through the roof. My Momma Bear Claws would come out and I’d be ready to fight. Keep distance between the happenings of the church and yourself. Now I know that some of you have to work at the church. Do your best. Keep distance at the office. Try to stay away from the roller coaster ride that your husband is riding. I’m involved. I have ministry areas where I serve. But, they are far enough away from Vince that I don’t feel the ups and downs.
And finally, the fourth boundary that we need to maintain is the boundary around you as a person. I’m talking about the “What will people think of you because you’re the lead pastor’s wife” syndrome. Vince has never put any expectations on me beyond what he’d have for other mature Christians. I don’t do things because “I have to.” I do them because I want to. It’s very difficult at times, but I try not to allow other people’s opinions to weigh on me.
God has created me uniquely. I have certain gifts and abilities that he has called me to use for his kingdom. Just because I’m a church planting wife doesn’t mean that I have to sing or start a quilting team. I am faithful to God in what I do; I check with God before I sign-on to a ministry, I see needs and pray about my involvement. I know that some of you feel an enormous sense of pressure to do this or that. Who is putting the pressure on you? Is it the Holy Spirit prompting you to serve? Is it your husband? A volunteer? Another staff member? Or is it you? Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy. We put all this pressure on ourselves and end up miserable. Take an inventory of your ministries. Make sure that it lines up with God’s plan for you.
When I was pregnant with both my kids I was extremely sick. Like throw up my own saliva every five minutes, hospital, PIC-line through the heart to feed me kind of sick. It was horrible. I checked out of Forefront. For 16 weeks each time I disappeared. And guess what happened to the church? Nothing…it continued as it was. My ministry areas got covered. God provided. And all was well. I think we lose sight of the fact that this is God’s church. I am just a tool for him to use. Everything I do can be done by someone else.
Yes, it’s wonderful and vital that we serve. I’m not telling you to check out of ministry in your church. This is not a get-out-of-serving-free-card, but it’s even better when we can serve in a place that brings us life; where you and God are on a roll, using your gifts for His glory.
Does being a church planting wife require sacrifice? Yes. For years I volunteered in children’s ministry, missing the adult service. Does being a church planting wife require your blood, sweat and tears? Yes. But do we have to do it at the cost of our joy, peace and relationship with God? No.
Featured on newchurches.com
First, along the same lines, there needs to be boundaries with the opposite sex. Vince has a rule that he will never be alone with a woman. He won’t drive with a woman, he won’t meet with a woman in a private place, he won’t even really look a woman in the eyes!!! Is this a hard rule to follow? Yes. What if a woman in the church needs counsel from him? He meets with her in his office, with the door open, while his assistant sits outside the door. What if a woman needs to drop something off at my house and I’m not home? They leave it at the door; there’s no way they’re getting in the house!
I also keep boundaries. I’m not alone with other men. I don’t spend much time around men; most of my ministry happens with women. I have accountability with a close friend in ministry. Do you think we are taking this a little bit overboard? Are we being too drastic? Well, this is one area where I’d rather be safe than sorry. It’s worth the sacrifice for our marriage.
Second, there needs to be boundaries around your personal time with your husband. Do you know that you don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings? Do you know that every “emergency” may not be an actual “emergency”? Like I said before, you have to carve out time alone with your husband. And when you do you need to talk about things other than your church or the people in your church. I love what Kim McManus says, “Satan desires to steal, kill and destroy the love that we have. We have to keep that protected. The intruders became the church. Our conversations before sleep would flow in one direction, “What was so and so doing and saying or being?” One night I yelled, “Will everyone from the church get out of our bed!”
Third, we need to make sure that we are on different emotional journeys. We need to put a boundary around our emotions. Vince doesn’t share everything with me. If something really big happens, he’ll tell me. But unless I need to know it, I don’t. He doesn’t come home everyday and tell me whose upset with him, or what stupid thing one of his staff members did that day. Church planting is a roller coaster ride. There are so many ups and downs. It’s so helpful if we’re both not riding the same ride. Sometimes we need help to see from a different perspective. The distance and boundaries that we have set up emotionally have saved us a lot of stress. I’m so thankful that we do this.
If I knew everything that went on during Vince’s day, my blood pressure would fly through the roof. My Momma Bear Claws would come out and I’d be ready to fight. Keep distance between the happenings of the church and yourself. Now I know that some of you have to work at the church. Do your best. Keep distance at the office. Try to stay away from the roller coaster ride that your husband is riding. I’m involved. I have ministry areas where I serve. But, they are far enough away from Vince that I don’t feel the ups and downs.
And finally, the fourth boundary that we need to maintain is the boundary around you as a person. I’m talking about the “What will people think of you because you’re the lead pastor’s wife” syndrome. Vince has never put any expectations on me beyond what he’d have for other mature Christians. I don’t do things because “I have to.” I do them because I want to. It’s very difficult at times, but I try not to allow other people’s opinions to weigh on me.
God has created me uniquely. I have certain gifts and abilities that he has called me to use for his kingdom. Just because I’m a church planting wife doesn’t mean that I have to sing or start a quilting team. I am faithful to God in what I do; I check with God before I sign-on to a ministry, I see needs and pray about my involvement. I know that some of you feel an enormous sense of pressure to do this or that. Who is putting the pressure on you? Is it the Holy Spirit prompting you to serve? Is it your husband? A volunteer? Another staff member? Or is it you? Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy. We put all this pressure on ourselves and end up miserable. Take an inventory of your ministries. Make sure that it lines up with God’s plan for you.
When I was pregnant with both my kids I was extremely sick. Like throw up my own saliva every five minutes, hospital, PIC-line through the heart to feed me kind of sick. It was horrible. I checked out of Forefront. For 16 weeks each time I disappeared. And guess what happened to the church? Nothing…it continued as it was. My ministry areas got covered. God provided. And all was well. I think we lose sight of the fact that this is God’s church. I am just a tool for him to use. Everything I do can be done by someone else.
Yes, it’s wonderful and vital that we serve. I’m not telling you to check out of ministry in your church. This is not a get-out-of-serving-free-card, but it’s even better when we can serve in a place that brings us life; where you and God are on a roll, using your gifts for His glory.
Does being a church planting wife require sacrifice? Yes. For years I volunteered in children’s ministry, missing the adult service. Does being a church planting wife require your blood, sweat and tears? Yes. But do we have to do it at the cost of our joy, peace and relationship with God? No.
Featured on newchurches.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
