A Little Perspective!

I came up with this phrase several years ago: "People come in and out of your life like underwear!"

If you've ever started a church you know that one of the places that this happens the most is in your launch team. People get excited and join your team. Some are there for the long-haul, but a lot of people come in and leave shortly thereafter. Some people join your team and then realize that it's not the place for them. Other people stay with you, but as soon as the church launches they take off. There can be theological differences, personality conflicts, schedule conflicts, and a multitude of other issues that cause the person to leave.

As a church planting wife, this can be really hard on us emotionally. We invite people into our lives, we open up our hearts and homes to them and then they leave. Unfortunately, it's just par for the course.

We've already had several people leave our launch team and we're not even launching until February. We've still got a long way to go...

I thought of a few things that have helped me along the way. I'll share them in hopes that it helps you. Please feel free to add to the list by adding a comment!

1. Stay close to God. He's really the only person that won't leave you. He's with you for the long-haul. In the end, He's the only one that will stick with you. Make your relationship with Him a priority now. He's also great at comforting the brokenhearted. So when you are struggling emotionally, He is not only there, but can help you in a way that no other person can.

2. Love people, but don't cling to them. Obviously we need to love people. But because people come in and out of your life it's important that you love them with boundaries. If you put all you've got into a person and they leave or let you down, you're in for a heap of pain and trouble.

3. Don't put heavy expectations on people. Don't expect them to fill a void in your life, meet your every need or be your "saving grace." They are just a person who is flawed and broken like you. They will disappoint you in some way at some point. No one will love your church like you do; it's your baby. Don't expect people to love it like you and be as committed as you are. You will be sorely disappointed.

4. Stick close to your husband. Talk to him about how you're feeling. Share your sadness and disappointments with him. If you don't feel like you can be honest and open with him, consider getting some marriage counseling. Open and honest communication with him is so vital on this journey. (Side note: Sometimes your husband is the reason why the person has left. He has said or done something or didn't do or say something that has made the person leave. Take sides with your husband, at least publicly. Nothing can ruin a church like a divisive marriage. Trust in his leadership. If you totally disagree obviously share your feelings with him, but at least support him in public.)

5. Talk to one or two close friends who you know will respect your privacy and protect your heart. Vince and I are going through a bunch of stuff right now and to be honest I miss my girlfriends in VA. I want to get some coffee and verbally barf all over them. For now I have to rely on the telephone. Either way, talk to them.

6. Realize that God will fill the void the person has left. He knows that people come in and out of our lives. He provides for us when people leave. Ministry areas get filled, new friendships form, etc. Try to see the big picture instead of focusing on the loss.

7. Don't let bitterness creep in. It's easy to allow resentments to build when we've been hurt. We've got to live in forgiveness-mode. We've got to give people grace!

8. Along with number 7, don't build emotional walls around yourself. We've got to give God the opportunity to knock down the walls we've built. In order for you to have healthy relationships you've got to be wall-free.

9. Have a life outside of your church. Do things that are fun to you. Sometimes we just need perspective. It's easy to allow the church and the people in the church to consume us. Take a break, go on vacations, join sports teams and clubs that have nothing to do with your church. I guarantee you'll breathe easier!

10. Enjoy the journey. How many people can say that they were part of starting a new church? You're part of an elite group of people that, if the Bible were still being written today, would probably have a few verses written about them. Don't get bogged down with the negative stuff and the drama. You're on an adventure of a lifetime!

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